Horoscopes should be taken seriously with a little water

All that follows has been very carefully researched and is guaranteed to be accurate in the same way that the plastic Chinese pizza oven that you bought for a song is guaranteed.

Horoscopes are curious. It is a stretch to imagine that the entire population of the world can be neatly packaged it into one of 12 boxes.

Of course if you’re Chinese it’s a bit different. And, if you’re Chinese you won’t have the time to notice, you’ll be far too busy colonising Africa.

With that in mind and the knowledge that no self respecting newspaper or magazine can go naked into the world without a Horoscope column, here is the starter pack for the Dorpskoerant. If there is anyone out there who would like to give this monthly prognostication a twirl, please contact me. (As a card carrying curmudgeon, I am not ideally suited to writing such a column.)

careful research

Sagittarius – Birth date: 22 November – 21 December
The stars are looking good for you today as Mars pulls into a region of the sky that foretells of woe, misery, despair and false-hope. Only love can break your heart…but trans-fatty acids will also have a damn good try.

Capricorn – Birth date: 22 December – 19 January
The colours red and purple will mean a lot to you today as you’re punched in the nose by someone you assumed was a potential mate.

Aquarius – Birth date: 20 January – 18 February
You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you’ll find love on ebay, for sale at low, low prices.

Pisces – Birth date: 19 February – 20 March
Your marital status may change this week, either due to some pre-planned marriage type thing, or possibly just a typing error on a car insurance quote form. Either way, love is on the cards for you.

Aries – Birth date: 21 March – 19 April
Next year will see the start of something great for you. This year will not be so good. I know this is a fairly general reading for you but then life is always full of ups and downs, gutters and strikes and so on. Basically, the whole thing just cancels itself out. You’ll see when the time comes.

Taurus – Birth date: 20 April – 20 May
Be aware that all queues are not necessarily for amazingly happy things like roller-coasters. Some are for terribly bad things like tax returns. So even though everyone appears to be in love with the same person and you see yourself as being at the back of that line…it might be a blessing.

Gemini – Birth date: 21 May – 21 June
The future will find you in good spirits. In the midst of these good spirits you may meet someone that you are immediately fond of. Due to this your good spirits will wax and wane over the coming years.

Cancer – Birth date: 22 June – 22 July
A taxi-line may be a surprising place for love to strike today. And of course, you’ll be parted without getting each other’s phone numbers or having any chance of meeting again because they just arrived on the train and don’t live anywhere near here. Still, love can do that, can’t it?

Leo – Birth date: 23 July – 22 August
Temptation is everywhere, especially if you’re willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting “It’s not my fault, I’m looking for temptation!”

Virgo – Birth date: 23 August – 22 September
Winners don’t forget to seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the small ones.

Libra – Birth date: 23 September – 23 October
Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Your favourite phrase today will be “I’ll do it!” and “Wow, I’ve never seen…well, anything like… Wow!”

Scorpio – Birth date: 24 October – 21 November
Whilst this horoscope might not apply to all of you, it seems worthwhile suggesting that Margaret is going to have a really nice time this month. Oh yes she is. A very nice time, if your name is Margaret. Or Marge. Or Maggie. Or Mildred. Or Lucy. Or Jeff. Or Dave. OK, I’ll admit the stars are a bit vague on this point, but basically if your name starts with a letter from the Roman alphabet then you’re pretty much assured of happiness.

The author is GOF (aka Curmudgeon). If you are puzzled by the acronym GOF it stands for Grumpy Old Fart. The GOF Horoscope for today is, well it is more Horror than Horo. But if you’re going to be grumpy you gotta learn to take it on the chin.

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The modern curmudgeon is likely to refer to anyone who hates hypocrisy, cant, sham, dogmatic ideologies, the pretences and evasions of euphemism, and has the nerve to point out unpleasant facts and takes the trouble to impale these sins on the skewer of humour and roast them over the fires of empiric fact, common sense, and native intelligence.

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