Reggie and I (Rebecca, your narrator) were chatting one weekend about hooking the Reggie Brown Longdog PI Agency up with a Legal Eagle (Eagle not Beagle). He/she would add a certain cachet to the Agency image. Our dream was to grow the agency to be a one stop shop.
For more about the adventures of the Reggie Brown PI Agency, recently renamed the Portlyshort Longdog PI Agency – read more about us. Our motto – “You can’t play with the big dogs if you pee like a puppy.”
Hooking up with a Legal Eagle would also help Reggie with his ambitions in the political field. He had achieved success in the Agency. His reputation spoke of strength, honesty and diligence.
I’ll tell you a little later about our new Legal Eagle.
Reggie had long been toying with the idea of pursuing a part-time career in politics as he could overlap it with the Agency, as he said “2 incomes are much better than one, and I must look to the future, to retirement”. Some might say that Reggie’s strength of principle, honesty and diligence are anathema to the role of politician, but Reggie was old school. Born and brought up in an era when honesty was important, when your word was your bond.
To improve our political visibility and image Reggie and I considered a well known PR company based in London. The suave PR agency, Belly, Potty and Shifty have an unfortunate history having been embroiled in the Poopta family disgrace.
We thought about it for a moment and realised that a ‘shady’ PR agency like them was totally at odds with our published Manifesto of Honesty. We settled for the fine local firm of Cute, Cuter and Cutest which we found on the web.
Now I know the new Editor has forbidden the publishing of any Political twaddle but we believe this is a ground breaking initiative for the Agency. Over a glass or two of Shady Dog red wine we considered what we should call our new Party. It was so easy, so obvious and after a little toing and froing we decided on the PPP – Portly Pooch Party.
While Reggie Brown was the founder and funder of the Agency he did not like the limelight and did not want to be the public face of the Party. He thought that his black and tan sausage chum Bracken might be a much better choice as leader. Bracken was widely admired and he had the look, that vital inclusive look. Lots of black, less brown and a sprinkling of white – perfect demographics.
Bracken was a Legal Eagle, a very famous one who had always aligned himself with the underdog. Reggie told me that Bracken was famous for working pro BONE. “Oh” I asked “for worthy causes?”
OK, so we had our PR sorted, our Legal Eagle sorted and our Party name sorted. It was time to turn to the marketing plan.
A couple more glasses of Shady Dog and we were concentrating on the problem.
The press releases, the press conferences and the rallys. It was very important to hold Rallys, to get onto ENCa, to be interviewed by Karen Maugham. Heady ambitions indeed, but if you are going to dream then dream big.
The first thing to do was to hold a successful rally. A rally in a grand stadium, without any ‘help’ from tuneless musos, dancers who can’t, praise singers on pot and definitely no Sign Language pretenders.
But how to get our ‘supporters’ (or anybody) to our rally so that the Media took us seriously. You may think of us as copy cats, we decided to take a leaf out of the book of the old hands for our first rally. Handouts.
I had some wild girlie schemes, designer gear, a fashion parade, oh my, the possibilities were endless. Bracken brought us back to earth when he said “until we attract sponsors we have limited money”.
First things first, we needed stand out jackets for ourselves in the Party colours, not made with the skin of dead animals, far too creepy, far too gross. We settled on well fitted jackets in a reasonably priced serviceable fabric. We would source the jackets from local producers, and the jacket could be close fitting as we were not on the Gravy Train. We had decided that our colours would be Blue and Red, for dependability and strength.
And now the biggie, definitely the best. How to get followers to our rallys.
Well the answer was so obvious, a couple of biscuits and a fashionable bandana, they’d be there in their packs and their hoards.
I sat back and sighed, it seemed like we had covered the plan in detail.
Finally Reggie turned to me and asked “what would you like to do ?”
“I haven’t really thought about it” I replied.
“Well I’ve given it much thought. With your incisive mind and coherence of speech I believe you are ideally suited to be the General Secretary of the Party” he said, adding “it would make a fine change to listen to somebody we can understand”.
Initially I was offended, General Secretary indeed. I’m a loyal PA, why would I want to go back to the typing pool. Then he explained the role of the General Secretary. “It is a very important role, the engine room of the party,” he said, adding “You’d be equally at home in cabinet meetings and at wooing Party hopefuls and journo hacks.”
Exhausted by all the complications of introducing our new Legal Eagle to the Agency and of establishing a vibrant new Political Party, we decided to have some lunch. Reggie, a fitness fanatic always insisted on a measured diet.
We’ll see you at the campaign Hustings.