A crabby old fart and his blog Comments Policy

This is definitely an article that fits right into the Curmudgeon category. I found This Crabby Old Fart whilst on a hunting trip on Google searching for advice for a sensible Comment policy for the Dorpskoerant. It is the best advice possible and I have adopted it (loosely) for the Dorpskoerant.

The observations below are in fun, not to be taken too seriously. They are not necessarily the views of the Owner, Publisher, Editor, reporters, cook, tea pot or anyone connected, however loosely, with the ‘Dorpskoerant’/’Whats on in Darling’. If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

Some readers may recognise this article. I published it on the old Dorpskoerant, it’s worth a relook I think.

The writer is Don, he lives far away and he is not wild about irreverent and badly behaved young people. He calls his blog “The problem with Young People today is…”

Don claims that his Real Friends (real, not Facebook) are all Dead and he shares with his readers an extensive list of things that are wrong with young people today.

A Crabby Old Fart   I have asked Don for permission to reproduce this article. Pay this very funny gentleman a visit NOW.

“All About Me
My name’s Don.

I don’t care much for young people and I’m not too sure how I feel about you.

Thanks for visiting.

Please note that I’ve closed the first page of comments on this page as it was loading too damned slowly. If you like, you can leave a message for me…”

I welcome your comments on this blog but would please ask that you read – and commit to memory – the following comment policy.
The comment policy is subject to change based on whim, my mood, the phase of the moon or adjustments to my medication. Changes may occur at any time without prior notice or consultation. Changes to the policy may or may not be reflected in the written policy.

Table of Contents
Section 1 – Moronic Comments from Indignant Young People
Section 2 – Acceptable and Unacceptable Forms of “isms”
Section 3 – Choose your words carefully
Section 4 – Respect for your Elders
Section 5 – Use of Acronyms, Abbreviations and Emoticons
Section 6 – Commenting on Comments.
Section 7 – Deleting, Editing or completely rewriting comments
Section 8 – McCarthy Style Blacklisting. What are my options now?
Section 9 – Why the First 8 Sections are Irrelevant

Section 1 – Moronic Comments from Indignant Young People

I welcome moronic comments from indignant young people. They’re extremely insightful and usually very amusing. So please, get up on your hind legs and bray like the teenaged jackass God intended you to be. The more the merrier, damn it.

I get very frustrated, however, when the damned young people completely forgo punctuation and leave generally unreadable gobbledegook like this:

hey wats all ofthis i eancim on every oe knows ware they learn them from its all u parents .. i mean if u dont want them to say them then take them out of scool take away tier friends and dontcuss in frunt ofthem and donttlet thembe human .. i mean for crying out loud is a cuss word what theheack its not the endoftheworld …. ww they sed somthing their notsupose o say but t least thier getting thier feelings out on how they feel .. people just lighten up go to cherch or something geessss!!!!!!

I don’t care whether you agree with me or not but it’s damned near impossible to respond if you’ve been high on methamphetamine for 5 days before visiting. Put down the damned pipe, have a decent nights sleep and write me when you’re pupils aren’t the size of dinner plates.

Feel free to disagree with me, insult me or just go off on a tirade about generalizations, stereotypes and how my generation ruined the planet for you and your slacker friends. I won’t edit you unless you violate the terms of Sections 3 through 9 or if I just don’t like the cut of your jib.

Decent and sensible young people, of course, are always welcome to comment too.

Section 2 – Acceptable and Unacceptable Forms of “isms”

I don’t like damned “isms” and their use should be avoided at all costs. This would include making remarks that might carry the taint of sexism, racism, communism, jingoism, and of course, ageism.

Please note that I am also not fond of anthropomorphism, antidisestablishmentarianism, hedonism, priapism or animal magnetism (other forms of magnetism are acceptable provided they are used in proper context). I have a passing tolerance for Confucianism, feudalism, Gnosticism, hirsutism and journalism and would suggest they be used infrequently and only to support non-ism based arguments.

While tolerated, I would prefer not to see evidence of redneckism, vulgarism, voyeurism or the promotion of vegetarianism. Marxist-Leninism is a “no-no” as is rugged individualism. Optimism is encouraged but only if it relates to non-ism subject matter (e.g., optimism about communism would be considered a violation of commenting policy and would be subject to deletion, editing or scathing reply).

Accepted isms include McCarthyism, conformism, capitalism and Don-isms.

Orangism, nepotism and mysticism are currently under review.

Anyone using inappropriate “isms” is subject to editing, deletion and or McCarthy-era blacklisting.

Section 3 – Choose your Words Carefully

I’d prefer you not swear. It’s uncouth and a lazy way of communicating, damn it. If you must swear, use some common sense and try not to pepper your prose with too much profanity.

There are some curse words, however, that I can’t abide. As a guide, ask yourself whether your mom would have cracked you with a rolling pin if you’d used it in front of her. If the answer is “yes” than you probably don’t want to use it here. I may not have a rolling pin but I have a wide network of angry old ladies who are just looking for an excuse to track you down and beat the snot out of you.

So watch your language. Or don’t. Chances are if you’re going to swear at me you aren’t concerned about any damned comment policy anyway.

Section 4 – Respect for your Elders

Building on Section 3, and continuing on the subject of words, avoid calling me “gramps”, “grampy” or “grandpa.” I’m not your damned grandfather and grateful for it. Show some damned respect for people older, smarter and better attired then you.

If you are under 40 call me “Mr. Mills” or “Sir”. I’ll let you know if and when it is okay to refer to me by my given name.

If you are between 40 and 60, you may call me Don on your 3rd approved comment or when you sense that we have established a decent, collegial relationship.

If you are over 60 you may call me Don or Donald without receiving prior approval.

Public school friends may still call me “Stinky” and college friends may use the nickname “Scooter” if feeling nostalgic.

Section 5 – Use of Acronyms, Abbreviations and Emoticons

I have nothing against traditional abbreviations like NASA, AARP and COLGATE but I can’t stand the lazy short forms young people use in order to ease communication. And I don’t understand what any of it means. To me, BFF means Bran Flakes Forever.

Emoticons scare the hell out of me. Especially the animated ones. It’s like having the DTs without the benefit of ever having had a drink. I won’t edit them out but I don’t like them and they make me itchy.

Section 6 – Commenting on Comments

I have no problem with people taking a pot shot at me. Call me any name you like (see Section 1) but don’t demean or humiliate others unless they are ignorant young people who fully deserve it. Trust me, you’ll know it when you see it. It looks a little like this:

  • You know what? Go f* yourself. I’m 16 years old and i’m 6′3″.
  • You’re calling me a freak of nature? The way people look at me in the highschool hallway gives me the same feeling. I didn’t ask to be tall, nor do I want to be tall. If height alterations were the way you put them Don, I would have told myself to stop growing when i was 5′8″ at the age of 13.
  • I have my whole highschool thinking that I’m a freak. Now I have an old man’s posted blog saying that I’m a freak, that I’m sex-crazed and all that bullshit. It makes us “freakishly” tall people feel oh so great about ourselves, especially during puberty.
  • Am I disrespectful to my mother because I’m taller than her? I respect my mother. No one deserves more respect than she does. If being shorter than her would be more respectful, I’d cut off my legs you bastard.

So be nice and remember, playful banter is only fun until I say it isn’t.

Section 7 – Deleting, Editing or Completely Rewriting Comments

I’ve never done it but I reserve the right to edit, delete or drastically rewrite negative comments. If I do rewrite your comment and change (“doddering old bastard” into “dashing old rascal”) I may or may not acknowledge that fact.

Section 8 – McCarthy Style Blacklisting

If I’ve blacklisted you from the blog chances are you’re a 16-21 year old male who doesn’t know when to stop. I’ve only done it once but I’m prepared to do it again if you insist on being a complete assclown and hijacking the conversation of sensible adults with your inane musings.

If I blacklist you and you’re too damned stupid to understand why, send me an email. I won’t respond but it might make you feel better.

Section 9 – Why the First 8 Sections are Irrelevant

You have free reign to comment as you like but if you cross me, all bets are off and I’ll do whatever the Hell I see fit. Remember, my freedom of speech is guaranteed. Yours, not so much.

Thank you for your understanding.”
A selection of Don’s ‘problems with young people’

  • they mumble all the time
  • they’re functionally illiterate
  • they’re so damned disrespectful
  • they talk about politics
  • they pierce their damned faces
  • they’re all video game addicts
  • they all have disorders
  • they listen to rap music
  • they all have cell phones
  • they’re all hooked on porn
  • they drink sissy drinks
  • they want everything now!
  • they eat like pigs
  • they’re materialistic
  • they have access to too much info

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The modern curmudgeon is likely to refer to anyone who hates hypocrisy, cant, sham, dogmatic ideologies, the pretences and evasions of euphemism, and has the nerve to point out unpleasant facts and takes the trouble to impale these sins on the skewer of humour and roast them over the fires of empiric fact, common sense, and native intelligence.

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